Sean Connery and Killer Drapes
by Remus J. Lupin-Black
Summary: Harry and his wife visit Sirius and Remus at their home in Wales. Chaos ensues. RemusSirius and HarryLuna.


**Title**: Sean Connery and Killer Drapes  
**Author**: Ex-Professor Remus Lupin  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Genre**: Humor  
**Era**: Post-Harry Potter  
**Pairing(s)**: Remus/Sirius and Harry/Luna  
**Summary**: Harry and his wife visit Sirius and Remus at their home in Wales.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
**Author's Note**: Yeah, that's right, I brought Sirius back. Why? Simple really, this fic was begging to be written after my beta, HK and I RP'ed most of it. So, welcome to the insanity that is this fic. Reviews really are appreciated.  
-  
It was a warm sunny day as Harry Apparated into the middle of a field and waited patiently for his wife to catch up. Harry, now nearing his seventieth birthday, was glad for the summer break. He had two months in which to relax with his wife, maybe have the kids over for dinner, see the grandkids, and hopefully, if all went well with his oldest grand-daughter, live through a Potter Wedding. Having been through his own and all five of his kids, he had learned that something always seemed to go wrong. That probably had to do with his godfather, returned from the dead or whatever when Harry had been twenty.

Despite his age, and Harry always liked to point out that Wizards aged slower, Sirius seemed quite content to pull as many pranks as possible until the day he died. Remus, who Harry had always hoped would be the rational one, was in fact the brain behind why Sirius never really got caught. Of course, Harry knew perfectly well that it was the both of them, but he never said anything. After all, Lily's second wedding had been quite lovely after everything had been turned purple.

There was a crack of magic, and Luna appeared at his side, blue eyes gazing at him for a moment before she smiled. Harry, pleased that she had left her blonde hair down and had kept the turnip earrings in, kissed her in greeting.

"Shall we?" she asked, softly.

Harry loved that about her, how she always seemed to be breathless when she spoke to him, as if just being around him had that effect on her. Course, she was like that around everyone, but he could pretend, even after fifty years of marriage.

"Yeah, Sirius and Remus are probably wondering where we are," he glanced at his watch. "I mean, it's half past, we said we'd be there at three."

Luna nodded and they walked down the path into the tiny village where Harry's godfathers had just recently moved. It was a lovely place out in the middle of Wales, the village only having one street and a small river going through it.

It was fun walking down the street and giving people the impression that they were in their late thirties. It was the advantage to having magic running through the blood; you aged much slower.

"There it is," Harry pointed.

"Lovely," Luna breathed.

It was a small house, probably only with just enough room to keep everyone from falling over each other. A black motorcycle stood outside, leaning against the stonework of the front side of the house. Harry knocked, gazing around and finding that instead of curtains or drapes, the windows had blinds on them. Which was a rather amusing sight, since blinds were fairly out of fashion at the moment.

"Harry, Luna, Sirius was ready to have puppies," Remus had opened the door, looking glad to see them.

"Hello, Remus," Luna said with a soft smile. Remus, looking, if it weren't for his steel gray hair, like he was just turning forty, smiled kindly at her. He had always been fond of Luna since he had first met her while teaching.

"I am not going to have puppies," and there was Sirius, looking as handsome as ever. Even the strands of white in his hair didn't detract from his looks. In fact, it probably helped a bit, since Sirius hadn't cut his hair since '05.

Luna smiled.

"Stubby," she said coyly. It was an old game between them now. She had since accepted that Sirius was in fact not Stubby Boardman. Of course, that had taken a visit to Stubby Boardman's house.

"Loony," Sirius greeted, dragging Remus from the door and allowing the couple inside.

It was a small place, but hardly too small for the two men currently living in it. They had walked directly into the kitchen, the living room and dining room just beyond the counter. From there, one door along the far wall was obviously the master bedroom. Harry looked around, spotting the second bedroom just to the left, past the kitchen. The bathroom was to his right.

"It looks nice," he said, gazing around the sparsely decorated living room as Remus went about making tea and Sirius collapsed into a nearby chair. Harry and Luna took the couch along the back wall, leaving Remus to the other chair.

"Too much light," Luna said. "The walls are such a nice red color, it would look better if you got red drapes."

"I told you," Remus called from the kitchen.

"No," Sirius interjected. "They're going to try and kill you."

Remus appeared then, rolling his eyes and he set down the tea tray onto the table between them all and handed Harry and Luna cups.

"Sirius, that was over fifty years ago," he said soothingly, taking his own tea and drinking it without adding anything. "Get over it."

"Fifty years ago?" Sirius asked, looking at Harry, with his short and now almost tamable hair and Luna with her own strawberry blonde hair. "God, I'm old."

Harry bit back a laugh, taking a deep sip from his teacup. He could count on this conversation every time he came. Luna was smiling absently into her own teacup, stirring the cream in as she listened.

"So'm I," Remus pointed out, handing Sirius his own cup. "Don't complain."

"But you look good, I probably look like Dumbledore," Harry snickered this time and Remus' amber eyes glimmered in amusement.

"You do not, you look like," he paused, looking for someone.

"So help me, if you say Sean Connery one more time, I'll hex you," Sirius grumbled.

"You're kidding right?" Harry asked.

"Why not, he's certainly better looking than Dumbledore and you seem to think you look old, at least you still have your natural hair color," Remus said lowly. "So you get to look like Sean Connery. Thank your inbreeding."

"Moony," Sirius fell back on the old nickname. "I worry about how much you like him."

Remus rolled his eyes and Harry, spotting an argument when he saw one, grabbed Luna's arm and pulled her into the kitchen. Neither of them noticed.

"They're insane," he muttered.

"I don't think so," Luna said with a smile. "Just listen."

"Sirius, Sean Connery is dead," Remus said dryly.

"The veil got him didn't it?" Sirius demanded, gray eyes narrowing suspiciously. "I knew it, it's out to get everyone."

"He died in his sleep, there were no drapes in the vicinity," Remus explained, sighing in exasperation, throwing his hands into the air and sitting down finally. "They aren't trying to kill you."

"They killed me!"

Remus gazed at him for a moment as if trying to process exactly what he had said. "I wish they bloody had sometimes," he muttered under his breath and then raising his voice, he said soothingly, "Obviously it didn't as you are here, annoying the piss out of me."

-

Harry sighed, leaning back into the kitchen counter.

"My godfather has gone insane," he muttered, covering his face with his hand. Luna smiled at him, pulling herself up onto the counter so that her jean clad legs hung down beside him.

"I think it's sweet," she said.

Harry looked up at her and grinned.

"You would."

-

Sirius glowered at Remus from across the table. Remus was calmly pouring himself another cup of tea and looking entirely too smug. "You said something," Sirius said suspiciously. "I know you did."

"I said only what you heard," Remus said smoothly, eyes glimmering with amusement.

"You know I fought for my soul in order to get back to you and Harry and I get treated like I'm insane," Sirius moaned.

"Yes, of course," Remus smiled. "You fought for your soul just to be treated like an lunatic by me."

Sirius pointed at him, eyes filled with triumph.

"Ha! You admitted it! You admit that the veil killed me!"

Remus sighed, massaging his temple briefly, before he caught Sirius' hand and lowered it out of his face.

"I never said it didn't," he explained carefully. "All I said is that it isn't trying to kill you now, you git."

-

"I'm going to kill them both," Harry grumbled, moving toward the living room. Luna caught it arm.

"Leave them," she said softly, pulling him back toward her.

"They'll kill each other over this, I know they will," Harry said, looking back toward the living room. Luna smiled, moving closer to him, one longer fingered hand catching his jaw and forcing him to look at her.

"They do this every time we come over," she said soothingly.

"And we always end up in the kitchen," Harry grumbled.

"Which," she moved away from him, closing the door and drawing the separators between the rooms shut, "is how we ended up with Jessy. Why don't we try for another?"

Harry swallowed.

-

"Constant Vigilance!" Sirius shouted.

Remus blinked.

"You are not Alastor," he said.

"Doesn't matter," Sirius waved his hand. "One can never be too careful."

"Says the man who still thinks that he can ride a motorcycle," Remus said, rolling his eyes.

"Thinks? I know I can fly my motorcycle. There's a difference between thinking and knowing something."

"You flew into a tree last week, remember, broke your arm."

"Well, if that bird had gotten out of my way, I wouldn't have had to fly into that tree," Sirius pointed out, scowling.

"Oh, it's always a bird with you," Remus said exasperatedly.

-

"Wouldn't a bird naturally fly out of a flying motorcycles way?"

"Harry."

"Yeah?"

"Hush."

-

Sirius growled.

"Well at least when I said bird, you knew I meant the ones with wings," Remus put his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing as Sirius flapped his arms, "and not a girl. Of course you have your darling Sean Connery to keep you company," Remus sighed. "Just admit it, you're in love with him."

Remus fought back a laugh.

"Yes Sirius, that's why I married you and spend my life dealing with your fear of veils, because I'm secretly in love with a dead Muggle actor," he said, managing somehow to pull off a serious tone of voice.

Sirius scowled, standing up.

"I'm leaving," he snapped, standing up and storming off into their bedroom. Pulling open the wardrobe, he started to take out a handful of robes. Remus followed him, leaning against the door with and smiling.

"You said that last week, remember, after I fixed your arm," he said.

"Did I?" Sirius asked, stopping for a moment and thinking. "Well why didn't I?"

"You managed to get half of your things packed before you attacked me, saying you were a git and we ended up having sex," Remus said, smirking.

"Oh yeah," Sirius' eyes glimmered dangerously. "It was good, wasn't it."

"Always is," Remus said with a laugh. "Not that we have the stamina we had when we were kids."

Sirius smirked, glanced down at the clothes he was holding, and then sighed.

"Still going to move out," he said, sternly.

"You forget that if you move out, I get half of your belongings, prenuptial agreement remember. You insisted," Remus said, holding up his left hand, which sported a gold wedding band on the ring finger.

Sirius glared at him.

"You're such a stickler for details," he grumbled, tossing his clothes onto the bed and moving past Remus and toward the kitchen, throwing the door open.

Harry and Luna, clothes rumpled and faces flushed, looked at him as he entered. Harry looked as guilty as if he had been caught over a dead body with a knife. Luna on the other hand merely looked relaxed; almost cat-like as she leaned back against the counter.

"Harry, can I move in with you?" Sirius asked, smirking at his godson.

"Uh…" Harry stammered, looking at Sirius. "Why?"

"Remus and I are taking a few days apart," Sirius announced as Remus came into the kitchen, smiling at Luna as she lounged against the counter looking far too pleased for a woman that had just been caught in post-coital bliss in her godfather-in-law's kitchen.

Remus winked at her and she smiled brilliantly back at him.

"Look, I don't want to get caught between the two of you," Harry said, moving toward his wife. "Besides, Luna and I promised we'd go to James' house to see the kids. It's been a while and I'd love to see Crystal and Ruby before school starts up again."

Sirius pouted.

"But, we'll be able to live together," he said. "Just like I promised you."

"Sirius, he was thirteen when you made that promise," Remus said with a grin. "He's nearly seventy now."

"God, I'm so old," Sirius wailed, falling back against the counter. Remus put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly.

Luna grasped Harry's shirt, tugging him toward the door.

"We will see you next week for dinner," she said breathlessly. "Come along, Harry."

Harry went with her, waving goodbye, and looking a bit confused. Of course, being married to Luna had that effect on him sometimes. It also meant that Remus would have to clean the kitchen again, but that was fine with him. He'd have to clean it anyways since he made breakfast earlier.

"You don't look old," Remus said soothingly.

"So I've heard," Sirius grumbled. "Apparently I look like Sean Connery."

Remus smiled.

"No, you're better looking than that," he said. "You look a lot like Sirius Black."

Sirius grinned, almost dog-like in it's enthusiasm.

"Yeah?"

"Yes, Sirius," Remus replied, kissing him warmly.

"Well," Sirius bit his lip. "Maybe we don't need a break after all."

"We've never needed one, why start now?"

"And maybe we could put up some drapes or something in the living room," Sirius grimaced despite himself.

"I rather like the blinds," Remus explained, catching Sirius' hand and pulling him away from the counter and out into the living room. "See, they make the room very bright and I know you love light."

"Okay, so we'll keep the blinds," Sirius said, sighing with obvious relief.

"Of course," Remus said. "Now, come to the bedroom and I can prove that just because we're old, doesn't mean a damn thing."

"Really?"

"Yes, Sirius."

-  
**Author's Note**: Look more random…whatever the hell this is.


End file.
